Who Will Love Me for Me?

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, "Dear God won't you please...
Could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says...

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

The words of this song stuck out to me today as I worked out by myself in the fitness room. I was doing  crunches and was going onto some yoga when this came on the radio over the system. I sat in silence and listened to the words of this song. Why is it we long so much for love? What is love and how do we know it when we feel it? We have a love for our family, love in a relationship and finally a love with God. We always need that feeling of support and longing for someone to care. It's a consistent feeling. This song means a lot to me. I know there are people who love me, but what does that mean? 

I do long for someone to hold me and hug me. Especially when the day has been hard. Everyone longs for this. But how do we get that? I'm seeing people fall in love all around me. Engagements are happening left and right. If you are engaged then there must be love there somewhere, but how do you establish that you love someone and you are ready to commit to them forever. I do long for more than anything to know that feeling of being loved by someone who is not just a friend or a family member, but what if God has other plans for me? Am I ever going to know what that feeling is? I'm feeling pulled in the direction of possibly devoting my life to God. I want to have a relationship with him because I know he is always there and so loving. I'm not talking about becoming a nun or anything like that. I'm talking about focusing more on God and not worrying about what he has in store for me. I expect that God will slap me upside the head when I am supposed to fall in love or feel what love is, but for now I am planning on devoting my life to God and doing his work. This means focusing on mission work and other acts that we are called to do as Christians. I believe fully in the power of God and know he will do nothing that will harm me. He has recently shut a door in my face telling me not to go for something. I know he did this to protect me and for that I trust him with my whole heart. Now if only I could make myself believe in the idea that eventually things will work out.....

 MY ONLY OCCUPATION IS LOVE

"I do not desire either suffering or death, although both are appealing to me;
it is love alone which really attracts me...
I can ask for nothing with any enthusiasm
except the perfect accomplishment of the Divine Will in my soul,
 unhindered by any intrusion of created things.
 I can say, with the words of our father, St. John of the Cross,
 in his Spiritual Canticle,
'I drank in the inner cellar of my Beloved, and when I went forth into the meadow
I forgot everything and lost the flock which I used to drive.
My soul has employed all its resources in His service;
now I guard no flock, nor do I have any other duties.
Now my only occupation is love.'
 Or again: 'I know love is so powerful that it can turn
whatever is good or bad in me into profit,
and it can transform my soul into Himself."
~ St. Thérèse

Lord, send me

Today was a tough day. I'll admit it. I'm a crier. I cry a lot and sometimes at the smallest things, but today it all kind of fell into place. Everything is crashing together and things are changing fast. I don't usually deal with change, but I welcome this with open arms now. 

Before I came to EMU I was of little faith and completely unsure of everything except the fact that I wanted to major in social work. During my time here I came to find God (or he brought me back to him) and since then I haven't looked back. I felt callings to add majors and minors in certain areas. I was never sure why, but I had this feeling for the longest time that I was supposed to be at EMU. I mean I had an amazing group of people surrounding me. What else could I ask for? Well recently things have changed. Relationships have changed, people have changed, friendships are changing. I don't know how to handle all of this. So I once again leave it up to God and once again I am impatient for his answer and his plans to come into play. I went to church this morning and felt God speak to me. I felt as if he was talking to me through the sermon about judgment and then with the song "I will go, send me" by Starlight I felt him telling me to get ready. Well my version of getting ready is planning the next steps of my life. I am in the process of considering joining the peace corps now instead of waiting until after graduation. Part of me feels like I am running away from everything, but the other part of me is telling me to run. I just know that I am going to do what God wants me to. So with this I say:

"To the desperate eyes and reaching hands. To the suffering and the lean. To the ones the world has cast aside. Where you want me I will be. I will go, Lord send me. To the world, To the lost. To the poor and hungry. Take everything I am. I'm clay within your hands. I will go, send me."

Who Am I?

Life can seem pretty bad at times. Okay let me rephrase that. In my opinion it can suck at times. I've had my days where I skip classes and don't get out of bad because I am done with everything. But then it occurs to me that I am wasting the precious time God gave me. Also, why am I spending my time crying and being depressed about stuff that God has already planned for me? There isn't anything I can change. It's all in his hands. Most recently it seems like things have been falling apart left and right. It hasn't been the greatest week, but there is one thing that happened this week that made me realize my blessings. I was at work and made a phone call to talk to someone. I ended up talking to this person's mom for 25 minutes. I learned so much about her family and she shared how proud she is of her children. Her son has lukemia and they are doing everything they can to make sure her daughter can even go to college. They won't be able to help pay for it, but she is going to find a way to get her there. Now here I sat almost crying when talking to this women. I am so incredibly blessed to be here in school. I have the opportunity to take all these classes, be surrounded by some wonderful people and I am going to have an amazing career when I am done. Yes, there are those days where I refuse to get out of bed because my life seems so hard and I don't want to face the world (or people at school). But my life is nothing compared to others. I am here. I am breathing. I am alive. I am not sure of why exactly I am here. I question it everyday, but I am here for some reason. And yes it sucks on some days, but it's okay. I have an amazing support system. There are people here who would do anything in the world for me. And honestly I would do anything for them. I came to EMU with little faith left and currently I sit here listening to God speak to me through song. He came into my life again and brought me back. I am nothing without him and although I wonder why he makes some days painful and why he put me here at EMU I still hold fast to his word. Nothing can tear me from him. I am no longer allowing other people to hurt me. For too long I have out up with it. If I hold fast to him whom shall I fear. Only the lord knows what will happen to me tomorrow and how things will pan out with everything that is currently going on, but I trust in him.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Prayer:
Lord grant me the peace and serenity to be able to carry on through tomorrow. Keep one hand over my mouth so I use no words that would pain you and your other hand on my shoulder to guide me in the direction you choose. I want nothing more than to please you. And I know it doesn't please you when I am unhappy with how things are going in my life. Grant me happiness with who I am and the choices you make for me. You are my desire. No one else will do.
In your name I pray,
Amen.